Admit it: Trump could have raped Nancy O’Dell

Saturday morning, yawn. My place is a shithole.

“You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful. I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait…”

“And when you’re a star they let you do it,” Trump continues. “You can do anything … Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”

I really need to clean up this mess.

Rep. Jason Chaffetz (Utah) was the first GOP member of Congress to peel off Friday night, declaring on a local TV station, “I’m out.” He said he didn’t know who he was going to vote for now, but it wouldn’t be Trump or Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton.

This is why I hate the weekend.

The floodgates were open by Saturday morning. Here’s a running list of the GOP members of Congress, senators and governors rescinding their endorsements for Trump or calling on him to step down, one month before the election, after seeing the video.

Rep. Jason Chaffetz (Utah)

Rep. Martha Roby (Ala.)

Rep. Chris Stewart (Utah)

Rep. Bradley Byrne (Ala.)

Rep. Joe Heck (Nev.)

Rep. Cresent Hardy (Nev.)

Rep. Scott Garrett (N.J.)

Rep. Ann Wagner (Mo.)

Rep. Rodney Davis (Mo.)

Sen. Kelly Ayotte (N.H.)

Sen. Mike Crapo (Idaho)

Sen. John Thune (S.D.)

Sen. Shelley Moore Capito (W.Va.)

Sen. Dan Sullivan (Alaska)

Gov. Gary Herbert (Utah)

Gov. Dennis Dauggard (S.D.)

Sure, whatever.

This is nothing. It’s not like he said he’d raise income taxes on the rich. You can’t sway Republicans with moral shock because they don’t have any morals. They’re half-formed beings. Gob-smacked little toadies, cowering and confused. Douchebags. Nice try, Politics, but all of these people who today are so outraged will be pulling the Trump lever next month as if their bank accounts depended upon it.

You doubt me? You fools, I’ve been writing about this forever.

Just look at the base. How do they feel?

“People of faith are voting on issues like who will protect unborn life, defund Planned Parenthood, defend religious liberty and oppose the Iran nuclear deal,” said Ralph Reed, who heads the Faith & Freedom Coalition. “A ten-year-old tape of a private conversation with a talk show host ranks low on their hierarchy of concerns.”

Robert Jeffress, the pastor of First Baptist Church in Dallas and a member of Trump’s Evangelical Executive Advisory Board, said … he’s still voting Trump…

“I said at that time, with Trump sitting next to me, I would not necessarily choose this man to be my child’s Sunday School teacher,” Jeffress said. “But that’s not what this election is about.”…

And David Bozell, a Roman Catholic who heads the conservative group ForAmerica and supports Trump, said the audio won’t change how conservative voters view the candidate…

The conservatives who should be most concerned with a candidate’s character aren’t even blinking. Because morality has never mattered to them. These are the people who abuse their wives, get their fellatio on the down low, cheer our every war and think the death penalty is a bedrock moral principle. Right and wrong are not priorities for them as they are for you, or me. ‘Ethics’ is a card game to be played in order to pocket ever-bigger stakes. And, outside of war, which all god-fearing Americans love even beyond football, a presidential election wages the greatest stakes of all.

So don’t bother kidding yourselves, absolutely nothing has changed. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the country’s congressional leaders.

Mitch McConnell.

“As the father of three daughters, I strongly believe that Trump needs to apologize directly to women and girls everywhere, and take full responsibility for the utter lack of respect for women shown in his comments on that tape.”

Good thing ole’ Mitch has some daughters. Otherwise we’d be seeing him fist-pumping on Facesnap or woo! lighting his farts in the Senate chambers. The Speaker of the House:

“I am sickened by what I heard today. Women are to be championed and revered, not objectified. I hope Mr. Trump treats this situation with the seriousness it deserves and works to demonstrate to the country that he has greater respect for women than this clip suggests.”

Paul’s tummy, it hurts. OWWW. Please, Mr. Next President, could you not keep doing whatever it is you just did? Those things that are making everybody else so angry? Because water is wet, and the dirt is dark, and your ballsack is kinda heavy? Whew THANKS pal, because after all, Paul has a life of his own you know. He’d love to get back to cleaning his shithole apartment, gah.

After worst week in GOP candidate history, Trump begins Monday by suggesting vets with PTSD are weak

He. Just. Can’t. Stop.

Donald Trump on Monday suggested to a room full of veterans that soldiers who return from war suffering from PTSD are not “strong” and “can’t handle it.”

The GOP presidential candidate’s statement came during a Q&A at the Retired American Warriors Pac.

Because Donald feels the need to go out of his draft-dodging way to praise American veterans as tremendous and yuuuge, he screwed up. Again. By casually remarking that the RAW Pac members assembled around him were surely all rugged and tough and not-mentally ill, Trump ended up slagging a huge number of veterans who are currently struggling with a horrific disorder – a nightmare many of them can only get relief from by killing themselves.

Some of the questions were about the suicide epidemic in the military and criticism of the Veterans Administration (VA) for falling short on providing veterans with the mental health treatment they need…

“When people come back from war and combat and they see maybe what the people in this room have seen many times over, and you’re strong and you can handle it, but a lot of people can’t handle it,” Trump said.

There was a silence in the room after his statement, and people on social media were quick to express anger toward his comments.

Good job, Donnie.

Remember, sports fans. There are only five weeks left for Trump to insult the last of his forty million supporters…

Trump’s taxes mean nothing, you people shut up

It’s not like losing $915,729,213 in a single year is a big deal. I mean if you think that losing $915,729,213 in only twelve months tells you something about a businessman’s capability, or acumen, or sanity, you’re just wrong. If you think that it’s a big deal well, mister, you don’t understand business. That says a lot more about you than about Him, pal. You don’t know anything about multi-tentacled epi-tranches, or holdover chits, or market quasi-nobbery, or our tax system. Speaking of which, it’s far too refractory a centralized asymmetry for you to see any paperwork from, OK? You shush. Let’s just be honest here: You’ll never know what it’s like. To be Rich. To be Great. To be…Thee. Man.

You should vote for him (…like us on Facebook!).

CLINTON: For 40 years, everyone running for president has released their tax returns. You can go and see nearly, I think, 39, 40 years of our tax returns, but everyone has done it.

…maybe he doesn’t want the American people, all of you watching tonight, to know that he’s paid nothing in federal taxes, because the only years that anybody’s ever seen were a couple of years when he had to turn them over to state authorities when he was trying to get a casino license, and they showed he didn’t pay any federal income tax.

TRUMP: That makes me smart.

Oh please. More than that…

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS (HOST): So what’s your response to this story?

RUDY GIULIANI: My response is, he’s genius. I mean the reality is —


GIULIANI: Absolute genius. The man, in The Art of the Deal this is described, first of all we are talking about 26 years ago, perfectly legal. We should get that straight immediately. It’s a perfectly legal application of the tax code and he would have been a fool not to take advantage of it.

If he’d paid a penny in income taxes he’d have been a fool. A pigeon. A chump. Donald Trump would have been thoroughly completely unqualified to be president. If he’d paid anything to the government he probably would have been breaking the law, okay? YOU GET ME? Nobody wants that. Nobody wants a tax-paying scofflaw for president, right?

ADD: …divided by nincompoop…carry the shambles…my armchair math says ole’ Mammon Mega-Mensa was pissing away over 2.5 million dollars every day, 7 days a week. Which is a lot more money than I’ll earn in my entire life, but of course I’m a loser.

Donald Trump calls reporter a “c*nt”, of course

We were just waiting for a story like this to come out. Weren’t we?

In the article, I wrote that Trump could not be reached for comment, but a spokesman said the man’s comments were “categorically untrue.”

The story ran below the fold in the business news section with the headline: How a Curious Visitor Beat Trump at the Casino Game [ed: see here].

And now I was holding for Mr. Trump.

Tell me if you think this account sounds likely.

There was no hello. But there was yelling, lots of yelling.

The word “shit” was used repeatedly as a noun and adjective.

I had shit for brains.

I worked for a shitty newspaper.

What sort of shit did I write.

Before I could reply, he hung up.

Does that sound like Trump to you? Yeah, me too.

Then he called my editor in Philadelphia, Craig Stock. Now it was Craig’s turn to “Hold for Mr. Trump.”

Craig was treated to the same Trumpian wordplay, but got an added treat. Trump referred to me as “that cunt.”

Yup. That sounds a lot like him.

Craig, a calm Iowan, asked Trump what was wrong with the story. He explained that The Inquirer would run a correction if the paper had made an error.

Trump snapped that he didn’t read the story.

“No one reads the story,” the 41-year-old blustered. “I read the headline and I didn’t like it.”

That sounds exactly like him.

Donald’s new thing: Hillary is ISIS

Once again the Trump campaign sets off in a brand new direction. It’s your all encompassing comprehensive re-set back to the beginning do-over everybody get the hell out and start pushing first-gear bump start, for the rest of the entire year, one more time. Watch:

SUNRISE, Florida — Donald Trump on Wednesday night admonished Hillary Clinton for having the father of the Orlando shooter seated behind her at a recent campaign rally.

“Wasn’t it terrible?” Trump asked, that Seddique Mateen was “sitting with a big smile on his face right behind Hillary Clinton … When you get those seats, you sort of know the campaign.”

As he did today, here, using Omar Mateen’s father, Donald Trump will try to tie Hillary Clinton to terrorism. He’s going to do everything he can to turn her into an angry Muslim set to wage jihad inside the United States. He’s going to swear, without a hint of sarcasm, that she’s associated with a well-known terrorist group.

“Take a look at Orlando. Take a look at San Bernardino. Take a look at the World Trade Center. Take a look at what’s going on, and then worldwide, and we let [Islamic State or IS, formerly] ISIS take this position,” the Republican presidential nominee said during an election rally in Daytona Beach, Florida. He drew a list of flaws in US policy in Libya and the Middle East, laying all the blame on his opponent, Clinton.

“It was Hillary Clinton that… she should get an award from them as the founder of ISIS. That’s what it was. Her weakness. Her weak policies,” the New York mogul stressed, with the crowd then responding with “Lock her up! Lock her up!”

This will be Trump’s campaign going forward. Hillary Clinton should get an award for founding the Islamic State. Nevermind that the Bush/Cheney cabal obviously deserve credit for the group considering its well-known roots in the Iraq War. Hillary Clinton is really to blame, and she’s very much sympathetic to their wishes. This is a meme he started two days ago.

Donald Trump labeled Democratic rival Hillary Clinton as the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria’s “most valuable player,” accusing her foreign policy of creating the terror group…

“We shouldn’t have gotten out the way we got out, the way we got out was insane. Obama gave a date and that’s how ISIS happened,” Trump said Tuesday at a rally in Wilmington, N.C.

“Hence the birth of ISIS, congratulation Hillary Clinton. If I’m ISIS, I call her up and I give her the most valuable player award.”

It will be interesting to see if this strategy will work against a candidate who is closely associated with the Obama administration. Clinton is his former Secretary of State. The President has killed more ISIS terrorists than all of the world’s other leaders combined.

Trump meanwhile has feuded bitterly with the Khan family, whose son, Humayun Khan, was killed in Iraq.

The newest issue of the so-called Islamic State’s propaganda magazine Dabiq said the Muslim war hero died as an “apostate” when he was killed by a car bomb in Iraq in 2004 after ordering soldiers under his command to stand back as he moved foward to investigate the vehicle.

Khan was posthumously awarded the Bronze Star and Purple Heart and is buried at Arlington National Cemetery. ISIS published a picture of his headstone and captioned it, “Beware of dying as an apostate.”

ISIS is no fan of Capt. Khan.

Trump vs. Khan: There is no bottom

Donald Trump is up to his neck in it now. He can’t admit that he screwed up when he attacked the family of Capt. Humayun Khan, the Muslim American soldier who died in Iraq. And of course he can’t back down, so we get what we have today: A stunning political shitshow.

Fox News guy and Drudge reporter Charles Hurt stepped forward late yesterday to lend Donald a hand:

So, why would Khizr Khan choose to insert himself into politics and demean his son’s sacrifice by lying at a political convention on national television?

The answer is simple: He allowed himself to be tricked into it. And the Clinton campaign was all too eager to take advantage of him and his family and Capt. Khan and use them for their own political partisan purposes.

In the great tradition of both his employers, Charles never came within shouting distance of Khan to make the assertion. Asking the ‘victim’ if he was tricked isn’t journalism apparently. Chuck just imagined himself hiding in a DNC closet and seeing the The Sting go down right in front of him.

But that’s nothing. The really shite-level shit came by way of Official Trump Campaign Spokesman Rep. Al Baldasaro of New Hampshire.

Al practically broke his arm patting himself on the back for the scoop he dug up on Khizr and his kid, the supposed “hero” with the Bronze Star and Purple Heart (pfft, right). Baldasaro pulled the stunning truth out the ass of legendary fake former terrorist and ultra-Islamophobe Walid Shoebat. Read it and weep, losers:

What The Media Is Not Telling You About The Muslim Who Attacked Donald Trump: He Is A Muslim Brotherhood Agent Who Wants To Advance Sharia Law And Bring Muslims Into The United States

The Muslim who attacked Donald Trump, Khizr Muazzam Khan, is a Muslim Brotherhood agent, working to bring Muslims into the United States. After reading what we discovered so far, it becomes obvious that Khan wanted to ‘trump’ Trump’s Muslim immigration. But not so fast. Trump we have your back.

Turns out Khizr Khan is an agent of the Muslim Brotherhood who somehow worked his way into Clinton’s inner circle. And all it took to pull that off was a dead son and twelve years of patient waiting. Talk about sneaky.

But the creme du caca was the expose’ they ran on Khizr’s son, the apparent fellow conspirator in his long con. Humayun was a dangerous character, a traitor of the likes of these guys:

In regards to his son, many were the ‘Muslim martyrs’ who joined the US military. Ali Abdul Saoud Mohamed, for example, enlisted in the Special Forces of the US Army; he was a double working for the US and Al-Qaeda. There is also the example of Hasan K Akbar, a Muslim American soldier who murdered and injured fifteen soldiers… And of course the example Nidal Malik Hassan, who murdered fourteen Americans in cold blood in Fort Hood.

Pops and son were obviously working together: One trying mightily to get killed, the other pretending to grieve his loss and sucker Hillary into putting him on a stage somewhere. Preferably it’d be a national platform where Khan can launch a devastating attack against a great orange patriot who only wants to protect America from wild-eyed bombers and Sharia Law. Who’s being tricked now, stupid lady?

Is it likely that Khan’s son was killed before his Islamist mission was accomplished? Only another type of investigation will determine that… But soon everything we need to know will be uncovered. As we say in the Middle East: the snow always melts and the sh*t under it will soon be revealed.

I never imagined the 2016 campaign would ever become this entertaining, or this horrible.

Donald’s pal, Vladimir Putin? Funny thing about him.

Donald Trump is fighting with the media over an apparent friend of his, Vladimir Putin.

In a Nov. 10 GOP debate, Trump said: “I got to know him very well because we were both on ‘60 Minutes,’ we were stablemates, and we did very well that night.”

Donald will have you know that his buddy is a very nice man.

They see we’ve been greatly weakened, both militarily and otherwise, and he certainly does not respect President Obama. So what I would do—as an example, I own Miss Universe, I was in Russia, I was in Moscow recently and I spoke, indirectly and directly, with President Putin, who could not have been nicer, and we had a tremendous success.

Donald and Vlade, Putin and Trump, they’re a team. Like peanut butter and jelly, or ham and eggs. Everywhere they go, they do very well. Everything that they do together, they’re a tremendous success. Imagine how much better the world will be when the Martin and Lewis of global politics are hosting the show. I feel pretty good about it. I can picture their world around the year 2025, with these two laughing it up and playing grabass in the defendants’ box in Den Hague. I’d prefer we avoid such gaudy Nuremberg-style demonstrations of justice among the hissing ruins, if that’s okay with you.

Now Donald just asked pal Pootie to take Hillary’s campaign out. In public? What are friends for…

“I have no relationship with Putin. I have no relationship with Putin,” Trump said in the interview when asked about the nature of the relationship.

Oh, now he’s a nobody. Zeh Crabbe couldn’t be a bigger stranger.

“I didn’t meet him. I haven’t spent time with him. I didn’t have dinner with him. I didn’t go hiking with him. I don’t know, I wouldn’t know him from Adam except I see his picture, and I would know what he looks like.”

Remarkable the way Donald’s friends come and go. Like Taylor Swift’s business-love interests. One minute they’re tremendous together, the next they haven’t so much as hiked the Caucasian Trail. They haven’t even tweeted at each other, if you can believe that. It makes you wonder what, if anything, Trump knows about this charming despot.

“He’s not going into Ukraine, okay, just so you understand. He’s not gonna go into Ukraine, all right? You can mark it down,” Trump said. “You can put it down. You can take it anywhere you want.”

Go into what’s left of Ukraine, he means? The place with the street fighting, and the dead bodies, and the Russian infantry in disguise, strapped with Russian arms? That Ukraine?

When Stephanopoulos pointed out that Russia is already in Ukraine, Trump said, “Well, he’s there in a certain way. But I’m not there.”

Does anyone know what that means? I’m outta here.

Thank you, Khizr Khan, for driving them crazy

Whoever decided to slot a Muslim on the speaker’s bill at the Democratic national convention last week is some sort of punk genius. Republicans are so completely Islam nutty that they could only have reacted to it as they have, predictably. Khizr Khan taking the stage and talking about his soldier son has driven right-wingers to piddle themselves with fear, or fury, or whatever it is that makes the rage-bunny of conservatism pound the star spangled drum and goose step in circles.

“If you look at his wife, she was standing there,” he said, on national television. “She had nothing to say. She probably, maybe she wasn’t allowed to have anything to say. You tell me.”

For Trump to dismiss the mother of Humayun Khan, fallen American, as some woeful mute is certainly impressive. If ghosts are at all real, one of his housemaids might want to linger upstairs and check for the sounds of Donald being throttled like a rag doll in the night.

This wasn’t a slip of the tongue. In an interview with Maureen Dowd, Trump took the same tack. “I’d like to hear his wife say something,” he said.

Sadly, Donald didn’t say “Take her to the zoo. I hear retards love the zoo…” and then shoot ole’ Maureen the hey-o. Which was what he really wanted to do.

Over at The Gateway Pundit they have a whole blog post on Mr. Khan, liberal ergo scumsuck. Here’s the photo that heads the takedown:

maybe khizr khan

Here you see ISIS in Iraq. Which has little to do with this particular man, Khan, so far as I know. Until about 5 minutes ago, when I clicked on the link and began laughing.

Nevertheless, with typical convoluted liberal logic, the Muslim man whose son was killed by radical Muslims in a war Trump opposed and Hillary voted for, bashed Trump for wanting to protect America from radical Muslims.

Khizr Khan refused to condemn radical Islam.

I’d like to take my shots at the Donald as well, but I always want to play fair. There are apparently Rules regarding such things now. So ahem: I HEREBY CONDEMN RADICAL CHRISTIANITY. Okay? Alright? We good? Fine: Trump sucks.

And, although Trump has spent $50 million of his own money in his campaign this year, while Hillary has spent more than $220 million of donor money to date in her campaign, Khan, has the audacity to angrily state that Trump has sacrificed ‘nothing and no one’

Bill Clinton was a draft dodger.

When a billionaire spends 1% of his net worth in order to fulfill his wildest dreams, that’s some sacrifice. Oh, the pain. I see little difference between that and, say, being eaten by a lion because you happen to believe in Jesus Christ. Or being slandered by a countrywide klavern because you happen to believe in Allah, for that matter.

Also, Trump is bashed continually every day in the media, by the press, by liberal politicians, by some members of his own party, nearly every possible political group criticizes Trump on a daily basis and yet the Muslim Khan believes Trump has sacrificed nothing.

Say what you want about Hitler, he was willing to sacrifice a career as game show host to rule a continent. Which of course is the hallmark of a man who FINK FONDA BENEDICT TRAITOR…

Trump, Commander and CEO: Monetize foreign policy

You think a businessman should run the country? Well then you oughta go and vote for Donald Trump. He’s gonna wheel and deal his way across the world, you’re gonna love it. It’s about time somebody let the Cubas and Khans know who’s in charge. Driving a hard bargain with the neighbors is only fair game – and good practice – when you’re the pre-eminent capitalist country on Earth.

And if the American military isn’t the world’s greatest untapped asset, I’ll be dipped. C’mon people now listen up: Adopt, adapt and improve. Monetize. From now on if one of our soldiers has to shoot someone, the spent shells come with an invoice.

What’s that, Singapore? You say you got problems? Sure everybody’s got problems, the whole globe, get in line. You want us to take down a fascist, Swaziland? Well now that’ll cost you a million bucks. You want us to invade Iraq, Iraq? Whaddya mean, no? Whatever I don’t care, you owe us a billion gallons of oil. You want us to honor some old World War II defense treaty, sure. I bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you? But listen Bub these things cost a lot of money. The coastland of your country goes all the way around, did you know that? Sheesh, some people. I don’t want to start any rumors, but it’d be a shame if your island caught fire in the middle of the night.

Donald Trump is the first man to finally appreciate the full potential of this great country. And it’s about time. From President Obama all the way back to George Washington, not one of our CEOs has ever maximized the leverage of our business assets (kaboom). It’s just Econ 101: If you can’t bargain with the world, you’ll never get paid.

“So you would keep troops in Iraq after this year?” asked Wall Street Journal reporter Kelly Evans.

“I would take the oil,” Trump responded.

Trump has repeatedly endorsed the bizarre, bellicose fantasy that the U.S. could and should seize oil fields in Iraq and Libya. A confused Evans responded, “I don’t understand how you would take — does that mean keeping troops there, or staying involved in Iraq?” “You heard me, I would take the oil,” Trump insisted…

What’s fair is fair. After we invade you, we get to keep your stuff. We went into Vietnam and took the Imperial Palace at Huế, turned it into a roadside stand in Minnesota. We took the entire Korean peninsula and turned it into a Georgia alligator farm. That’s what we do, we’re like that.

“In the old days, you know when you had a war, to the victor belong the spoils,” he told George Stephanopoulos in 2011. “You go in. You win the war and you take it… You’re not stealing anything.”

You’re not stealing. You’re just taking other people’s things. If they’re too weak or dead to do anything about it, that’s their tough.

Word up, Estonia.

Donald Trump told the New York Times that if Russia invaded Baltic members of NATO, he would have to review whether those countries “have fulfilled their obligations to us” before deciding whether to come to their defense, as mandated by the military alliance’s formal charter.

“You can’t forget the bills,” Trump said. “They have an obligation to make payments. Many NATO nations are not making payments, are not making what they’re supposed to make. That’s a big thing. You can’t say forget that.”

Talk to his hand.

Toomas is their president. Yeah I know, nobody knows. Today:

At a campaign event in Iowa, Mr Trump also repeated his criticism of countries that do not pull their weight in terms of financial contributions to Nato.

“You know we have a treaty with Japan, where if Japan is attacked, we have to use the full force and might of the United States,” he said.

“If we’re attacked, Japan doesn’t have to do anything. They can sit home and watch Sony television, OK?”

They can sit in their Gucci rice paddies wearing coke bottle glasses and gnashing their buck teeth, saying “Me so horny.” And they won’t even have to pay us a dime. That’s so like them, isn’t it?

Mr Trump added that the US protects Japan, South Korea, Germany, Saudi Arabia and other nations, and “they don’t pay anything near what it costs”.

“They have to pay. Because this isn’t 40 years ago,” he added.

“It’s got to be a two-way street.”

Of course Wall Street.

Just how cheap is Donald?

It is difficult to appreciate what a lying cheapskate bastard Donald Trump is.

In a classic fraud move, he made himself look good to the public, by lying to the American people, and veterans, about how much he raised for veterans’ groups, when he hid behind them to get out of the GOP debate… Donald Trump promised $6 million to veterans. Now he needs to deliver, by personally forking over the millions of dollars he said he raised, but didn’t.

Country. Service. Action. That’s the motto of So it’s not surprising they’re angry at a bigmouth billionaire who welshes on his promise to raise millions of dollars for their service veterans, the blue collar Joes who need expensive arms, legs, and extensive PTSD counseling. They feel the same way about the jerks who walk around wearing dime-store purple hearts. They’re not too fond of land mines, either.

But don’t think that The Donald is now just acting badly on the campaign trail. This is who he is. He’s always been a skinflint.

TODAY, WE HAVE THE STORY of an accidental blessing from a schnook. Nearly two weeks ago, Donald Trump visited a public school in a poor Bronx neighborhood for the annual Principal for a Day event… The climax of his visit to Public School 70 was a stop at the bake sale for the school’s championship chess team, which was a few thousand dollars short for a trip to the national finals in Knoxville, Tenn. But thanks to Trump, 30 kids on the school chess team will leave tomorrow morning for Tennessee on a charte red bus. Trump dropped a $1 million bill into the bake sale treasury. A fake $1 million dollar bill. It is the kind of gesture that only a world-class blockhead would make.

That was 20 years ago. But it turned out well – the fuck-you faux donation generated enough publicity that outraged locals covered the cost of the team’s trip in Trump’s tight-fisted wake. What a schnook.

In fact, not all of Trump’s gestures were counterfeit million dollar bills. Some were worse. He raffled off 15 coupons for sneakers, redeemable at the Nike store in Trump Tower, a building that he said was in “the inner city called 57th and Fifth.”

“He said we were going to have to go on a bus to get them,” recalled student Eugenio Tavares Jr.

How typical of him. Donald calls up a tenant in one of his buildings and demands coupons for free stuff. He rides across town, emerges from his limo for an hour or two and hands them to a few poor kids, strutting like an apostle. After he’s gone the lepers have to hit up their parents and friends for bus fare to St. Donald’s basilica. It’s like a page ripped right out of “How A Lazy Jerk Does Philanthropy.”

Missing from Trump’s list of charitable giving: His own personal cash

…Instead, according to a Washington Post analysis, many of the gifts that Trump cited to prove his generosity were free rounds of golf, given away by his courses for charity auctions and raffles.

The largest items on the list were not cash gifts but land-
conservation agreements to forgo development rights on property Trump owns.

Trump’s campaign also counted a parcel of land that he’d given to New York state — although that was in 2006, not within the past five years.

And look who benefits from Trump’s big-hearted ways:

Some beneficiaries on the list are not charities at all: They included clients, other businesses and tennis superstar Serena Williams…

His foundation, for example, frequently gave money to groups that paid to use Trump’s facilities, and it donated to conservatives who could help promote Trump’s rise in the Republican Party. The foundation’s second-biggest donation described on the campaign’s list went to the charity of a man who had settled a lawsuit with one of Trump’s golf courses after being denied a hole-in-one prize.

What a fortunate group of people. His own clients. Businesses – who, by definition, already have ways of making money. Millionaires, like Serena Williams. Fellow Republicans, of course – at least the ones who want him to run for president. And let’s not forget the lucky golfer Trump cheated out of a prize that he never should have won – a hole-in-one? C’mon! Who else could possibly be more deserving of a billionaire’s abundant love for his fellow man? Donald is a fucking sweetheart. Hot tip: don’t even bother asking if he pays his taxes.

…but I found two tax appeals he filed from the year 1984, one with the City of New York and one with the state. And in one of these two cases, Donald filed something called a Schedule C. That’s what a freelancer files. He reported zero income and $626,000 of expenses, with no receipts and no documentation. That’s something that could be construed as tax fraud.

During the hearing, which lasted two days, the CPA and lawyer who had done Trump’s tax returns for years was shown the tax return, and he said, “Well, that’s my signature, but I didn’t prepare that tax return.”

Donald somehow filed a tax return that his lawyer/CPA had absolutely nothing to do with. The guy hasn’t the foggiest notion how his signature ended up on it. I’m only making an educated guess here, but if you had tried to pull that crap on the government you’d probably be in the slammer.

It also shows, in these two cases, that in the year 1984 Donald paid no federal income taxes. And there’s very good reason to think he doesn’t pay them now, because of a provision in federal law that allows large real estate professionals to live without paying income taxes.

If you ever wondered why people make a fuss about politicians releasing their tax returns, now you know. It’s to keep people like Donald Trump out of office.