Trump, and Veeps, and Failure

In the midst of the continental swirling holy-fuck of this year’s political goings on there are some particular things that catch my attention. For example I’m currently curious to find out who might become The Donald’s vice president.

There are two reasons to be vested in this. One: Who would be so dumb? Two: Who would be so pathetic? No woman would ever agree to such a partnership, and none of them outside the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling would be considered. It’s only the he-men Republicans of this world who would beg for such a thing. I’m sure that, somewhere in this great nation, there’s a pinch-faced red state splutterer willing to drop his pants and spread his cheeks for a shot at infamy, not to mention Trump’s ham-handed touch.

Marco Rubio maybe?

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said it’s possible he could ask his former rival for the nomination, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.), to be his running mate…

“Marco’s a good guy, a really nice guy, and I like him. But not necessarily with respect to any position, but it could happen,” he added.

Maybe not.

On Friday, Heat Street spoke to multiple senior advisers, members of Rubio’s inner circle who have been in direct contact with him.

“Absolutely false,” said one Rubio adviser. “He absolutely will not be Trump’s Vice President.”

That sentiment was echoed by two other sources close to Rubio, who confirmed to Heat Street that Rubio was not considering joining Trump’s ticket. “That’s never happening,” said one. Another referenced the likelihood of snowballs in hell, and expressed frustration at the inaccurate stories…

This of course will remain Little Marco’s yeeaarrghhh until Candidate Donald calls him on the phone. Then the two will have a good talk and Marco will be surprised how much He has changed.

What about John Kasich?

Asked by Blitzer whether he would be interested in considering Kasich on his ticket, Trump said, “I would be interested in vetting John. I like John. I’ve had a good relationship with John. I’ve gotten along with him well.”

Apparently not.

“There is zero chance that I’d be vice president with [him],” Kasich said in an interview on CNN. “Below zero, actually. Not interested.”

Perhaps Ted Cruz?

Donald Trump on Wednesday said that he would consider making Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) his running mate.

“I respect Ted,” he told host Bill O’Reilly on Fox News’ “The O’Reilly Factor.” “He was a very strong competitor. He really competed hard and tough.”

“He’s certainly a capable guy,” the presumptive GOP presidential nominee added. “It’s something we can think about.”

Yeah, no.

Ted Cruz quashed speculation about the possibility he could be Donald Trump’s vice-presidential pick, saying he has “zero interest whatsoever” in being the billionaire’s running mate if Trump wins the Republican nomination…

“And there are a lot of reasons, but perhaps the simplest is if Donald is the nominee, Hillary wins,” Cruz said, referring to the Democratic frontrunner, Hillary Clinton. “Hillary wins by double digits…”

But of course that was then and this is now. This is THE TIME aus zee biergarten SOMETHING Neville Chamberlain. DING A LING WHY HULLO EVERYBODY IT’S DONALD. GOSH IT’S GOOD TO HEAR YOUR VOICE.

This isn’t to pretend that other Republican politicians aren’t eager to get into the big race. On the contrary, there are a whole host of Edsels and Corvairs fingering their fancy push-buttons and gunning their cross-mounted engines at the prospect.

Newt Gingrich, the former House speaker, as well as Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama and the retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson, said in interviews that they would consider joining the ticket if Mr. Trump offered. Two governors, Chris Christie of New Jersey and Mary Fallin of Oklahoma, have also told allies that they were open to being Mr. Trump’s running mate.

“If a potential president says I need you, it would be very hard for a patriotic citizen to say no,” Mr. Gingrich said. “People can criticize a nominee, but ultimately there are very few examples of people turning down the vice presidency.”

Gail Collins has more. She says a Trump vice presidency is actually more prized than smallpox.

Don’t make jokes about nobody wanting to be the winner! There are plenty of contenders. Mike Huckabee made it clear he wouldn’t say no. And look at Newt Gingrich, hopping up and down and waving his hand. Whoops — Chris Christie just shoved Newt out of the spotlight. Trump said he might like a governor, so that should give Christie a boost. And a recent poll showed that as many as 15 percent of New Jersey Republicans think he’d be a good choice.

*Whistle*…you can’t argue with a crowd. And of course they know. Lending the family name to a high-profile political cataclysm is some kind of bargain. Really, a good deal. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime chance to become enshrined in the Pantheon of great American Losers. And say friends, who wouldn’t want that?

“I think I’m pretty much as vetted as anybody in the country could be vetted,” Palin told CNN’s Jake Tapper. “I think there are so many other great people out there in America that could serve in this position.”

“I think if somebody wanted to choose me, they already know who I am, what I stand for,” she added. “They wouldn’t be in for any surprises.”

I’ll have what he’s having

It’s like watching a train derail.

You’re horrified but you’re also terribly fascinated. You’re just sort of stuck, standing there, watching reality go horribly wrong.

In his first 100 days, Trump said, he would cut taxes, “renegotiate trade deals and renegotiate military deals,” including altering the U.S. role in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.

Oh yeah, the NATO problem (?). Maybe he can get the U.N. to start paying us (…about time). Trump sounds like the silver-spooner who has lived too near the city’s biggest mansion for too long. Now he’s moving in and nothing of the former owner can be allowed to stay. He’s going to bulldoze that rose garden and erect a bowling alley. It’s fresh venison for the dog bowls and sparkling water for the faucets (imagine all that gold, after they rip the brass ones out). There’s a certain amount of spite that comes with jealousy. No self-respecting narcissist wants to hang around some has-been U.S. President.

He insisted that he would be able to get rid of the nation’s more than $19 trillion national debt “over a period of eight years.”

The government takes in $3.3 trillion in revenue every year. But Donald will (shazam!) cut income taxes and run a $2.37 trillion yearly surplus through 2024. Farewell U.S. Marines, adiós ICE. Maybe Melania can throw surplus cheese wheels at ISIS when they invade.

To say this is ‘stupid’ doesn’t come close. We’re not even in the realm. This is more like a fever dream. A microbus trip to the desert on mushrooms. Might I add that this is the law n’ order candidate? If half of us are having petit mal seizures whenever this Trump person opens his gob, we have failed as a nation. I have no idea what Hunter Thompson would have said about all this other than to want a double dose of whatever it is the Republicans are huffing.

Trump is a liberal monster, of course

Hard to believe that it took so long, but it did. It wasn’t for lack of sleuthing Jim Lewis will tell you. After reading Esquire and Time magazines, having taken in a show at The Met, not long after finding an old copy of Das Kapital with all the juicy bits highlighted, Jim pulled out his cultural decoder ring and I’ll be darned if everything that was so confusing about this year’s presidential campaign didn’t now make perfect sense. Donald Trump is a creation of the liberal establishment!

The man didn’t emerge, all at once and fully formed, from some hidden and benighted hollow in the American psyche. He’s been kicking around for 30 years or more, and he was promoted and schooled, made famous and made wealthy, by the same culture and economy that now reviles him, and finds his success so vexing.

Now now, there’s no point in continuing to deny what we’ve hidden for so long. The people who “promoted and schooled” young Donald – literally, the New York Military Academy – are a well-known local bunch of libertarian socialists. Unless perhaps Jim was referring to the place where Comrade later went to shock-troop finishing school, the Wharton School of Anarcho-Syndicalism. You’ll get no argument from me, or Captain Trump, as to how a young man’s formative years influence his later life.

After all, it wasn’t some Klan newsletter that first brought Trump to our attention: It was Time and Esquire and Spy. The Westboro Baptist Church didn’t give him his own TV show: NBC did. And his boasts and lies weren’t posted on Breitbart, they were published by Random House. He was created by people who learned from Andy Warhol, not Jerry Falwell, who knew him from galas at the Met, not fundraisers at Karl Rove’s house…

Donald wasn’t some backwoods yokel from a Mississippi klavern, or a former congregant of the Westboro Baptists (Kansas), or a bug-eyed preacher hosanna-ing his way out of Jerry Falwell’s back pocket (Lychburg, Virginia). You won’t even find him in Karl Rove’s rolodex (Republic of Texas). And are you beginning to see Jim’s point about Donald being a homeschooled liberal who somehow went astray? [hint: New York, New York, it’s a wonderful town.] That’s how politics works, right? You’re like all the other people in whatever city you come from. NOBODY could be a right-wing business douche in a leftist Eden like the Big Apple. I mean, that’s silly.

…his original audience was presented to him by Condé Nast, not Guns & Ammo. He owes his celebrity, his money, his arrogance, and his skill at drawing attention to those coastal cultural gatekeepers — presumably mostly liberal — who first elevated him out of general obscurity, making him famous and rewarding him (and, not at all incidentally, themselves) for his idiocies.

Warhol and the guys from the Velvet Underground happened to be crashing in one of Trump’s highrises, tying off in a roomy closet, when they happened to meet the landlord in person. They thought this guy Donald was “pretty groovy,” so you can guess what happened next: The boys formed a non-fiction non-profit publishing house to promote his neo-New Deal takes on big buildings, big money and big dicks because WE ALL LIVE in an eighties penthouse scene, an eighties penthouse scene. If there’s one thing the real estate and art mavens from New York have in common, it’s pretty much everything because they’re the same people – from New York, you fool.

If you think that sounds stupid and smug, imagine how it sounds to people out in the rest of the country. Liberals were sure the devil would come slouching out of Alabama or Texas, beating a bible and shouting about sodomy and sin. They didn’t expect him to be a businessman who lives on Fifth Avenue and 57th Street.

Oh that sounds so intelligent. And so like us! I can’t imagine a big deal Republican ever coming from California (Reagan, Nixon). Or a union busting crusader coming from dark-blue Wisconsin (Scott Walker). But you’d surely never expect a self-regarding model-boinking narcissist to come from New York. And even if you could have predicted the existence of such a person you’d never imagine he’d run for President!

president trump

Anyone incidentally ever heard of Governor George Pataki? Or the Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie? Isn’t it amazing how other people (not me) make complex arguments from simple assumptions and still end up being wrong? But then you get to write stuff about them, and it’s fun!

No. It’s pronounced Fronkensteen.

If you were to take some time out of your day, or out of your job, and listen to many of the Republicans now – without resorting to your Hillary-style cackling and interrupting them – you’d find out that these good folks are far too suave and classy to have had anything to do with the ascendance of Donald Trump, the GOP’s presidential candidate.

‘Don’t blame me‘ they say, seriously. They would never vote for him. ‘We can’t have this guy in the Oval Office’ they tsk-tsk. Just listen to that, they almost sound sane. ‘Trump’s just, horrible.’ Indeed – these people are almost…believable. Listen to poor ‘Chuck’ at Althouse’s blog:

But get ready for it, my fellow Trump-hating Republicans; the Donald Trump phenomenon will be made to be our fault. Notwithstanding the fact that we didn’t produce him, we don’t like him and he doesn’t represent us.

How sincere he sounds. You almost want to let him off the hook. Commenter ‘Amanda’ isn’t buying it:

Chuck, he is the Republican’s fault and he sure as hell does not represent Democrats. All those years of demonizing Obama and fear mongering about him being a scary black socialist and an ‘uber president’ made by your party created a climate in which the monster could thrive.

And there’s the counter. Is our Chuck merely being oblivious? Is he in fact to blame for Trump? Over the years did he and his pals create an atmosphere of spiraling panic and negro-phobia that’s now gotten so bad Republicans can’t produce a sensible candidate? He says:

Amanda I want to thank you sincerely, from the heart of my bottom, for proving my point in the first comment more effectively than I could have imagined.

Let’s just all recall together that Mitch McConnell calmly pledged to try to make Barack Obama a one-term president. And the Wall Street Journal Editorial Page, the National Review and the Weekly Standard all calmly and steadfastly criticized Obama policies. Without slipping into “birtherism” and “secret Muslim” fantasies. Like, uh, somebody else we’ve gotten to know a bit better of late.

Chuck backs up his don’t-look-at-me by asking us to “all recall together” Mitch McConnell’s calm and kindly pledge to nullify the first black president’s administration. Yes, I do remember that, as well as the rank-and-file’s parallel war whoops to impeach Barack early in the first year of his first term, without cause or reservation. How gracious, reasonable and utterly unlike Donald Trump – thanks for the reminder. If that wasn’t courtly and civilized behavior, I don’t know what is.

Then he asks us to remember the way right-thinking intellectuals “calmly and steadfastly criticized Obama policies… Without slipping into ‘birtherism’ and ‘secret Muslim’ fantasies.” And he commends the National Review. But is it true? Here’s their Jim Geraghty working through all the understandable reasons why Obama hadn’t yet let anyone see his double-secret birth certificate:

Rumor one: Obama was born in Kenya. Rather unlikely… However, if it were true, it would probably raise a major question of “does he qualify as a natural-born citizen”? If Obama were born outside the United States, one could argue that he would not meet the legal definition of natural-born citizen…

Rumor Two: Obama’s middle name is not “Hussein” but “Muhammad”… It is theoretically possible, if not plausible, that Obama changed his name at some earlier point in his life, as he was sorting out his issues of culture and identity…if you’re going to change your middle name from that of the central figure in Islam because you fear controversy, picking the last name of the highest-profile anti-American dictator in the Middle East (Saddam) doesn’t seem like a huge improvement.

That’s not trafficking in ‘birtherism’, it’s just discussing a certain political thing. Jim never said there were good reasons to believe Obama was an African hustler who perpetrated the greatest constitutional fraud in our history. Jim merely said that if for some reason his birth certificate actually does exist there were good reasons to believe nobody will ever see it. Chuck told you what a class act his buddies were, right?

Well at least nobody at the belles-lettres shops ever called the President a ‘secret Muslim.’ That sort of race-baiting is way beneath them. Here’s Andrew McCarthy choreographing the Klan-kabuki of the clumsy proles:

…under a mainstream interpretation of Islamic law, President Obama would be considered to be a Muslim… Islamic law holds that a child’s faith is deemed to be Islam if his father is a Muslim, regardless of the faith of his mother… Under Indonesian law at the time, if a child was adopted before the age of six by an Indonesian male, he qualified for Indonesian citizenship. The evidence suggests that Lolo Soetoro adopted Barack Jr… Obama/Soetoro also attended a Catholic school, the records of which identify him as both an Indonesian and a Muslim… Soetoro often attended mosque on Fridays, the Muslim Sabbath, and young Barry occasionally accompanied him… One former teacher claimed that Barry took part in advanced Islamic religious classes, studying “mengaji” — i.e., the effort to recite the Koran in Arabic… We also know that in 2007, then-Senator Obama told the Times’ Nicholas Kristof that the muezzin’s Arabic call to prayer was “one of the prettiest sounds on earth at sunset.”

Nice to know Obama thought the “muezzin’s Arabic call to prayer was one of the prettiest sounds on earth.” What a terrific story. That’s not the sort of personal anecdote that would compel some Americans to take out their shooting irons and load them with Islam-shot. What are such tidbits of a man’s biography for if not honing the perceptions of the most erudite and cosmopolitan people in the world?

Trump’s candidacy has certainly placed the noble right in a difficult situation. It’s hard not to feel for the exasperated Chucks of this world.

Amanda, the conservatives with whom I ally, are guilty of none of the sins you allege. Trump supporters are on their own.

Carrying themselves in so sophisticated a manner all these tatty years hasn’t convinced other Republicans to come ’round to their way of politicking. You’d think such a heady brand of elegance and decorum would have impressed somebody by now, even if that certain someone thought himself yuuugely classy already.

A mean individual stranded in a limousine

Trump, the Punisher.

General Pershing was a rough guy…

If you’re going to run a presidential campaign on the future degradation, denigration and murder of oh about a billion people this would be a good way to get your message out.

He caught 50 terrorists who did tremendous damage…and he took the 50 terrorists and he took 50 men and dipped 50 bullets in pig’s blood. You heard about that? He took 50 bullets and dipped them in pig’s blood. And he has his men load up their rifles and he lined up the 50 people and they shot 49 of those people. And the 50th person, he said, you go back to your people and you tell them what happened. And for 25 years there wasn’t a problem.

You have to admire that sort of viciousness. Next-President Trump isn’t telling white people that he’ll hate the haters, or terrorize the terrorists. He’s telling them that he’ll send the Arabs to Muslim hell – when he executes them. This is like vowing to hang troublesome Jews with a rope wound of pig gut. Or promising to deal with the Hindu Problem by carving out their hearts with a knife ground from an ox skull. It’s Medieval.

Why Jonah Hates Donald

We know what Jonah Goldberg is trying to do. We just don’t know why.

Is it because he’s threatened by Trump somehow? Would President Donald shut down the wingnut welfare gravy train? Will Jonah have to wait tables for a living? Or dig ditches? Would the Donald take to the Rose Garden and call him a schweinhund? Will the sublime name of ‘Goldberg’ become kaput? And then his charming mother have to yell at him over the phone? Or worse? Would Trump do something somehow worthwhile, like take on the problem of childhood obesity? Will Mountain Dew become aqua non grata? Will Burn Blazin’ Jalapeno Cheetos be declared an enemy of the state?

Why Jonah is so scared of Trump is a mystery. But I do enjoy hearing him list all the reasons why Donald is a disheveled low-class gasbag with orts of potato-chip bedazzling his goatee.

This attempt to cow the Trump campaign however is…how should we say it? Fairly low-energy. Falling somewhat short of the mark. I would not say that Jonah is firing on all his three cylinders here. It would be fairer to say our hero looks like a man stabbing the air with his right fist while gazing at the mirror in his left:

…why, more importantly, I find Trump-mania so dismaying. Every day, if not every hour or every few minutes, someone is telling me my motivations for why I’m against Trump. I’m self-aware enough to grant that many of the common explanations might have some merit (not counting the constant anti-Semitic ones).

Fans of Trump keep sending e-mails to Jonah and calling him a dirty Jew. Does he have the courage to answer them back? To take them on? Hazard yourself a blobby guess.

For instance, many say I’m being a snob. And truth be told, snobbishness might be part of it. After all, I think Trump is a low-class guy.

Of course not. Jonah would never say the Trumpers are ‘racists’, they’re what you call ‘rubes’. I know some of you feel that racism in and of itself is low-class but then…


…you don’t really understand politics, do you? Otherwise you’d know why that old diagonal-striped flag is a cultural hallmark and that old internecine brouha a War Of Northern Aggression. Jonah’s pals do not do bigotry, double-plus true-balls no backsies.

I’ll be as honest as I can about why I dislike Trump. A big part of it is I think he’s a fraud. I think he’s part of the grand and glorious tradition of bunk artists in American history.

This is where Mooom, Lucianne, steps into the frame. She licks the fingers of her hands, fusses over the cowlick in his hair, then pins a direct deposit sheet to his lapel. The faint honking of National Review’s short bus can be heard outside.

The thing I don’t find amusing is that he’s an insecure bully. He really does strike me as Biff from Back to the Future (Part II).

Was Biff’s dad a war veteran?

…I don’t mean to belittle or demean the heroic efforts and sacrifices of those who served in World War II. But the idea that a whole generation deserves credit for what only some did is little more than an attempt to buy glory on the cheap…

If he was all he did was shoot a few Nazis, in the face. So why on Earth are we buying him a house, huh? And a college education? Why can’t he do something manly and worthwhile for his country like type words that accuse True Blood of being an anti-semitic homoerotic conspiracy?

First the whole original storyline is about how Bill Compton is different than other vampires because he’s noble and decent… Second, try to make that kind of “it’s not all gays” or “it’s not all blacks” or (outside of the Middle East, U.N. or, increasingly, MSNBC) “it’s not all Jews” argument without sounding bigoted…

Slamming veterans and gays. Now that takes courage.

[Trump’s] cheap macho posturing and boasting is simply tacky. I see him as a sad and insecure man. And what I truly find so depressing is that millions of Americans see the same blowhard overcompensation and mistake it for strength.

…as does pulling a ding-dong ditch on The Donald, who dear please maybe might not knock his teeth out. You can’t question Jonah’s spine, because his daughter is out back blowing bubbles with it. He’s not a let’s-pretend-the-vampires-are-disaffected-queers type.

And, third, let me explain something else: Shut up.

You tell those fags.

Panic in Iowa: The Donald II

Getting with the Jesus.

On Sunday, the businessman and his wife attended church services at the nondenominational First Christian Church, in Council Bluffs, Iowa.

But when the Communion plates were passed, Trump mistook the silver plates for the offertory, digging out several bills from his pocket, according to the Associated Press.

You can’t make this stuff up.

He, his wife and two staffers took Communion, the AP reports…

“When I drink my little wine — which is about the only wine I drink — and have my little cracker, I guess that is a form of asking for forgiveness, and I do that as often as possible because I feel cleansed,” he said, according to CNN. “I think in terms of ‘Let’s go on and let’s make it right.’”

That Mother Mary is hot. A yuge rack.

On Saturday, Trump released a new video showing off the Trump family Bible, saying it is “very special to me.”

He held up his mother’s Bible to the camera, pointing to one of the early pages. “In fact, it’s her writing, right here. She wrote the name and the address, and it’s just very special to me,” he said.

I kept it above my bed in the Sigma Nu house. Where I stashed my condoms.

Panic in Iowa: The Donald

Why we bother with an Iowa caucus I don’t know. But there it is on Monday. And there the Republican candidates are flipping out and ingratiating their greasy selves and generally acting a fool.

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said Sunday that, if he becomes president, he would “strongly consider” appointing Supreme Court judges who would overturn the court’s decision to legalize same-sex marriage…

“If I’m elected I would be very strong in putting certain judges on the bench that maybe could change things.”

This aggression will not stand, man. Tear it down! Unless it happens to be Bloomberg asking Donald about it then…

“I’ve gone to gay weddings,” he continued. “I’ve been at gay weddings”…

…Trump has said he opposed gay marriage because he “just don’t feel good about it,” but recently he declared the issue officially “dead.”

…really what does it matter? C’mon bruh. Move on everybody, nothing to see here. But as of today, hours perhaps before The Caucus In Which Weirdo Ted Cruz Whips His Ass:

When asked by host Chris Wallace whether that meant trying to appoint justices to overturn the ruling, Trump said he would “strongly consider that, yes.”

“I wish it was done by the state,” he said. “I disagree with the Supreme Court … it should be a states’ rights issue.”

Gay marriage is far from “dead”. It’s a living breathing thing, and veerrry serious. Everybody knows.