Why Jonah Hates Donald

We know what Jonah Goldberg is trying to do. We just don’t know why.

Is it because he’s threatened by Trump somehow? Would President Donald shut down the wingnut welfare gravy train? Will Jonah have to wait tables for a living? Or dig ditches? Would the Donald take to the Rose Garden and call him a schweinhund? Will the sublime name of ‘Goldberg’ become kaput? And then his charming mother have to yell at him over the phone? Or worse? Would Trump do something somehow worthwhile, like take on the problem of childhood obesity? Will Mountain Dew become aqua non grata? Will Burn Blazin’ Jalapeno Cheetos be declared an enemy of the state?

Why Jonah is so scared of Trump is a mystery. But I do enjoy hearing him list all the reasons why Donald is a disheveled low-class gasbag with orts of potato-chip bedazzling his goatee.

This attempt to cow the Trump campaign however is…how should we say it? Fairly low-energy. Falling somewhat short of the mark. I would not say that Jonah is firing on all his three cylinders here. It would be fairer to say our hero looks like a man stabbing the air with his right fist while gazing at the mirror in his left:

…why, more importantly, I find Trump-mania so dismaying. Every day, if not every hour or every few minutes, someone is telling me my motivations for why I’m against Trump. I’m self-aware enough to grant that many of the common explanations might have some merit (not counting the constant anti-Semitic ones).

Fans of Trump keep sending e-mails to Jonah and calling him a dirty Jew. Does he have the courage to answer them back? To take them on? Hazard yourself a blobby guess.

For instance, many say I’m being a snob. And truth be told, snobbishness might be part of it. After all, I think Trump is a low-class guy.

Of course not. Jonah would never say the Trumpers are ‘racists’, they’re what you call ‘rubes’. I know some of you feel that racism in and of itself is low-class but then…

jonah-goldberg-jews

…you don’t really understand politics, do you? Otherwise you’d know why that old diagonal-striped flag is a cultural hallmark and that old internecine brouha a War Of Northern Aggression. Jonah’s pals do not do bigotry, double-plus true-balls no backsies.

I’ll be as honest as I can about why I dislike Trump. A big part of it is I think he’s a fraud. I think he’s part of the grand and glorious tradition of bunk artists in American history.

This is where Mooom, Lucianne, steps into the frame. She licks the fingers of her hands, fusses over the cowlick in his hair, then pins a direct deposit sheet to his lapel. The faint honking of National Review’s short bus can be heard outside.

The thing I don’t find amusing is that he’s an insecure bully. He really does strike me as Biff from Back to the Future (Part II).

Was Biff’s dad a war veteran?

…I don’t mean to belittle or demean the heroic efforts and sacrifices of those who served in World War II. But the idea that a whole generation deserves credit for what only some did is little more than an attempt to buy glory on the cheap…

If he was all he did was shoot a few Nazis, in the face. So why on Earth are we buying him a house, huh? And a college education? Why can’t he do something manly and worthwhile for his country like type words that accuse True Blood of being an anti-semitic homoerotic conspiracy?

First the whole original storyline is about how Bill Compton is different than other vampires because he’s noble and decent… Second, try to make that kind of “it’s not all gays” or “it’s not all blacks” or (outside of the Middle East, U.N. or, increasingly, MSNBC) “it’s not all Jews” argument without sounding bigoted…

Slamming veterans and gays. Now that takes courage.

[Trump’s] cheap macho posturing and boasting is simply tacky. I see him as a sad and insecure man. And what I truly find so depressing is that millions of Americans see the same blowhard overcompensation and mistake it for strength.

…as does pulling a ding-dong ditch on The Donald, who dear please maybe might not knock his teeth out. You can’t question Jonah’s spine, because his daughter is out back blowing bubbles with it. He’s not a let’s-pretend-the-vampires-are-disaffected-queers type.

And, third, let me explain something else: Shut up.

You tell those fags.

Panic in Iowa: The Donald II

Getting with the Jesus.

On Sunday, the businessman and his wife attended church services at the nondenominational First Christian Church, in Council Bluffs, Iowa.

But when the Communion plates were passed, Trump mistook the silver plates for the offertory, digging out several bills from his pocket, according to the Associated Press.

You can’t make this stuff up.

He, his wife and two staffers took Communion, the AP reports…

“When I drink my little wine — which is about the only wine I drink — and have my little cracker, I guess that is a form of asking for forgiveness, and I do that as often as possible because I feel cleansed,” he said, according to CNN. “I think in terms of ‘Let’s go on and let’s make it right.’”

That Mother Mary is hot. A yuge rack.

On Saturday, Trump released a new video showing off the Trump family Bible, saying it is “very special to me.”

He held up his mother’s Bible to the camera, pointing to one of the early pages. “In fact, it’s her writing, right here. She wrote the name and the address, and it’s just very special to me,” he said.

I kept it above my bed in the Sigma Nu house. Where I stashed my condoms.

Panic in Iowa: The Donald

Why we bother with an Iowa caucus I don’t know. But there it is on Monday. And there the Republican candidates are flipping out and ingratiating their greasy selves and generally acting a fool.

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said Sunday that, if he becomes president, he would “strongly consider” appointing Supreme Court judges who would overturn the court’s decision to legalize same-sex marriage…

“If I’m elected I would be very strong in putting certain judges on the bench that maybe could change things.”

This aggression will not stand, man. Tear it down! Unless it happens to be Bloomberg asking Donald about it then…

“I’ve gone to gay weddings,” he continued. “I’ve been at gay weddings”…

…Trump has said he opposed gay marriage because he “just don’t feel good about it,” but recently he declared the issue officially “dead.”

…really what does it matter? C’mon bruh. Move on everybody, nothing to see here. But as of today, hours perhaps before The Caucus In Which Weirdo Ted Cruz Whips His Ass:

When asked by host Chris Wallace whether that meant trying to appoint justices to overturn the ruling, Trump said he would “strongly consider that, yes.”

“I wish it was done by the state,” he said. “I disagree with the Supreme Court … it should be a states’ rights issue.”

Gay marriage is far from “dead”. It’s a living breathing thing, and veerrry serious. Everybody knows.