Donald’s pal, Vladimir Putin? Funny thing about him.

Donald Trump is fighting with the media over an apparent friend of his, Vladimir Putin.

In a Nov. 10 GOP debate, Trump said: “I got to know him very well because we were both on ‘60 Minutes,’ we were stablemates, and we did very well that night.”

Donald will have you know that his buddy is a very nice man.

They see we’ve been greatly weakened, both militarily and otherwise, and he certainly does not respect President Obama. So what I would do—as an example, I own Miss Universe, I was in Russia, I was in Moscow recently and I spoke, indirectly and directly, with President Putin, who could not have been nicer, and we had a tremendous success.

Donald and Vlade, Putin and Trump, they’re a team. Like peanut butter and jelly, or ham and eggs. Everywhere they go, they do very well. Everything that they do together, they’re a tremendous success. Imagine how much better the world will be when the Martin and Lewis of global politics are hosting the show. I feel pretty good about it. I can picture their world around the year 2025, with these two laughing it up and playing grabass in the defendants’ box in Den Hague. I’d prefer we avoid such gaudy Nuremberg-style demonstrations of justice among the hissing ruins, if that’s okay with you.

Now Donald just asked pal Pootie to take Hillary’s campaign out. In public? What are friends for…

“I have no relationship with Putin. I have no relationship with Putin,” Trump said in the interview when asked about the nature of the relationship.

Oh, now he’s a nobody. Zeh Crabbe couldn’t be a bigger stranger.

“I didn’t meet him. I haven’t spent time with him. I didn’t have dinner with him. I didn’t go hiking with him. I don’t know, I wouldn’t know him from Adam except I see his picture, and I would know what he looks like.”

Remarkable the way Donald’s friends come and go. Like Taylor Swift’s business-love interests. One minute they’re tremendous together, the next they haven’t so much as hiked the Caucasian Trail. They haven’t even tweeted at each other, if you can believe that. It makes you wonder what, if anything, Trump knows about this charming despot.

“He’s not going into Ukraine, okay, just so you understand. He’s not gonna go into Ukraine, all right? You can mark it down,” Trump said. “You can put it down. You can take it anywhere you want.”

Go into what’s left of Ukraine, he means? The place with the street fighting, and the dead bodies, and the Russian infantry in disguise, strapped with Russian arms? That Ukraine?

When Stephanopoulos pointed out that Russia is already in Ukraine, Trump said, “Well, he’s there in a certain way. But I’m not there.”

Does anyone know what that means? I’m outta here.

Thank you, Khizr Khan, for driving them crazy

Whoever decided to slot a Muslim on the speaker’s bill at the Democratic national convention last week is some sort of punk genius. Republicans are so completely Islam nutty that they could only have reacted to it as they have, predictably. Khizr Khan taking the stage and talking about his soldier son has driven right-wingers to piddle themselves with fear, or fury, or whatever it is that makes the rage-bunny of conservatism pound the star spangled drum and goose step in circles.

“If you look at his wife, she was standing there,” he said, on national television. “She had nothing to say. She probably, maybe she wasn’t allowed to have anything to say. You tell me.”

For Trump to dismiss the mother of Humayun Khan, fallen American, as some woeful mute is certainly impressive. If ghosts are at all real, one of his housemaids might want to linger upstairs and check for the sounds of Donald being throttled like a rag doll in the night.

This wasn’t a slip of the tongue. In an interview with Maureen Dowd, Trump took the same tack. “I’d like to hear his wife say something,” he said.

Sadly, Donald didn’t say “Take her to the zoo. I hear retards love the zoo…” and then shoot ole’ Maureen the hey-o. Which was what he really wanted to do.

Over at The Gateway Pundit they have a whole blog post on Mr. Khan, liberal ergo scumsuck. Here’s the photo that heads the takedown:

maybe khizr khan

Here you see ISIS in Iraq. Which has little to do with this particular man, Khan, so far as I know. Until about 5 minutes ago, when I clicked on the link and began laughing.

Nevertheless, with typical convoluted liberal logic, the Muslim man whose son was killed by radical Muslims in a war Trump opposed and Hillary voted for, bashed Trump for wanting to protect America from radical Muslims.

Khizr Khan refused to condemn radical Islam.

I’d like to take my shots at the Donald as well, but I always want to play fair. There are apparently Rules regarding such things now. So ahem: I HEREBY CONDEMN RADICAL CHRISTIANITY. Okay? Alright? We good? Fine: Trump sucks.

And, although Trump has spent $50 million of his own money in his campaign this year, while Hillary has spent more than $220 million of donor money to date in her campaign, Khan, has the audacity to angrily state that Trump has sacrificed ‘nothing and no one’

Bill Clinton was a draft dodger.

When a billionaire spends 1% of his net worth in order to fulfill his wildest dreams, that’s some sacrifice. Oh, the pain. I see little difference between that and, say, being eaten by a lion because you happen to believe in Jesus Christ. Or being slandered by a countrywide klavern because you happen to believe in Allah, for that matter.

Also, Trump is bashed continually every day in the media, by the press, by liberal politicians, by some members of his own party, nearly every possible political group criticizes Trump on a daily basis and yet the Muslim Khan believes Trump has sacrificed nothing.

Say what you want about Hitler, he was willing to sacrifice a career as game show host to rule a continent. Which of course is the hallmark of a man who FINK FONDA BENEDICT TRAITOR…

Trump, Commander and CEO: Monetize foreign policy

You think a businessman should run the country? Well then you oughta go and vote for Donald Trump. He’s gonna wheel and deal his way across the world, you’re gonna love it. It’s about time somebody let the Cubas and Khans know who’s in charge. Driving a hard bargain with the neighbors is only fair game – and good practice – when you’re the pre-eminent capitalist country on Earth.

And if the American military isn’t the world’s greatest untapped asset, I’ll be dipped. C’mon people now listen up: Adopt, adapt and improve. Monetize. From now on if one of our soldiers has to shoot someone, the spent shells come with an invoice.

What’s that, Singapore? You say you got problems? Sure everybody’s got problems, the whole globe, get in line. You want us to take down a fascist, Swaziland? Well now that’ll cost you a million bucks. You want us to invade Iraq, Iraq? Whaddya mean, no? Whatever I don’t care, you owe us a billion gallons of oil. You want us to honor some old World War II defense treaty, sure. I bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you? But listen Bub these things cost a lot of money. The coastland of your country goes all the way around, did you know that? Sheesh, some people. I don’t want to start any rumors, but it’d be a shame if your island caught fire in the middle of the night.

Donald Trump is the first man to finally appreciate the full potential of this great country. And it’s about time. From President Obama all the way back to George Washington, not one of our CEOs has ever maximized the leverage of our business assets (kaboom). It’s just Econ 101: If you can’t bargain with the world, you’ll never get paid.

“So you would keep troops in Iraq after this year?” asked Wall Street Journal reporter Kelly Evans.

“I would take the oil,” Trump responded.

Trump has repeatedly endorsed the bizarre, bellicose fantasy that the U.S. could and should seize oil fields in Iraq and Libya. A confused Evans responded, “I don’t understand how you would take — does that mean keeping troops there, or staying involved in Iraq?” “You heard me, I would take the oil,” Trump insisted…

What’s fair is fair. After we invade you, we get to keep your stuff. We went into Vietnam and took the Imperial Palace at Huế, turned it into a roadside stand in Minnesota. We took the entire Korean peninsula and turned it into a Georgia alligator farm. That’s what we do, we’re like that.

“In the old days, you know when you had a war, to the victor belong the spoils,” he told George Stephanopoulos in 2011. “You go in. You win the war and you take it… You’re not stealing anything.”

You’re not stealing. You’re just taking other people’s things. If they’re too weak or dead to do anything about it, that’s their tough.

Word up, Estonia.

Donald Trump told the New York Times that if Russia invaded Baltic members of NATO, he would have to review whether those countries “have fulfilled their obligations to us” before deciding whether to come to their defense, as mandated by the military alliance’s formal charter.

“You can’t forget the bills,” Trump said. “They have an obligation to make payments. Many NATO nations are not making payments, are not making what they’re supposed to make. That’s a big thing. You can’t say forget that.”

Talk to his hand.

Toomas is their president. Yeah I know, nobody knows. Today:

At a campaign event in Iowa, Mr Trump also repeated his criticism of countries that do not pull their weight in terms of financial contributions to Nato.

“You know we have a treaty with Japan, where if Japan is attacked, we have to use the full force and might of the United States,” he said.

“If we’re attacked, Japan doesn’t have to do anything. They can sit home and watch Sony television, OK?”

They can sit in their Gucci rice paddies wearing coke bottle glasses and gnashing their buck teeth, saying “Me so horny.” And they won’t even have to pay us a dime. That’s so like them, isn’t it?

Mr Trump added that the US protects Japan, South Korea, Germany, Saudi Arabia and other nations, and “they don’t pay anything near what it costs”.

“They have to pay. Because this isn’t 40 years ago,” he added.

“It’s got to be a two-way street.”

Of course Wall Street.

Just how cheap is Donald?

It is difficult to appreciate what a lying cheapskate bastard Donald Trump is.

In a classic fraud move, he made himself look good to the public, by lying to the American people, and veterans, about how much he raised for veterans’ groups, when he hid behind them to get out of the GOP debate… Donald Trump promised $6 million to veterans. Now he needs to deliver, by personally forking over the millions of dollars he said he raised, but didn’t.

Country. Service. Action. That’s the motto of VoteVets.org. So it’s not surprising they’re angry at a bigmouth billionaire who welshes on his promise to raise millions of dollars for their service veterans, the blue collar Joes who need expensive arms, legs, and extensive PTSD counseling. They feel the same way about the jerks who walk around wearing dime-store purple hearts. They’re not too fond of land mines, either.

But don’t think that The Donald is now just acting badly on the campaign trail. This is who he is. He’s always been a skinflint.

TODAY, WE HAVE THE STORY of an accidental blessing from a schnook. Nearly two weeks ago, Donald Trump visited a public school in a poor Bronx neighborhood for the annual Principal for a Day event… The climax of his visit to Public School 70 was a stop at the bake sale for the school’s championship chess team, which was a few thousand dollars short for a trip to the national finals in Knoxville, Tenn. But thanks to Trump, 30 kids on the school chess team will leave tomorrow morning for Tennessee on a charte red bus. Trump dropped a $1 million bill into the bake sale treasury. A fake $1 million dollar bill. It is the kind of gesture that only a world-class blockhead would make.

That was 20 years ago. But it turned out well – the fuck-you faux donation generated enough publicity that outraged locals covered the cost of the team’s trip in Trump’s tight-fisted wake. What a schnook.

In fact, not all of Trump’s gestures were counterfeit million dollar bills. Some were worse. He raffled off 15 coupons for sneakers, redeemable at the Nike store in Trump Tower, a building that he said was in “the inner city called 57th and Fifth.”

“He said we were going to have to go on a bus to get them,” recalled student Eugenio Tavares Jr.

How typical of him. Donald calls up a tenant in one of his buildings and demands coupons for free stuff. He rides across town, emerges from his limo for an hour or two and hands them to a few poor kids, strutting like an apostle. After he’s gone the lepers have to hit up their parents and friends for bus fare to St. Donald’s basilica. It’s like a page ripped right out of “How A Lazy Jerk Does Philanthropy.”

Missing from Trump’s list of charitable giving: His own personal cash

…Instead, according to a Washington Post analysis, many of the gifts that Trump cited to prove his generosity were free rounds of golf, given away by his courses for charity auctions and raffles.

The largest items on the list were not cash gifts but land-
conservation agreements to forgo development rights on property Trump owns.

Trump’s campaign also counted a parcel of land that he’d given to New York state — although that was in 2006, not within the past five years.

And look who benefits from Trump’s big-hearted ways:

Some beneficiaries on the list are not charities at all: They included clients, other businesses and tennis superstar Serena Williams…

His foundation, for example, frequently gave money to groups that paid to use Trump’s facilities, and it donated to conservatives who could help promote Trump’s rise in the Republican Party. The foundation’s second-biggest donation described on the campaign’s list went to the charity of a man who had settled a lawsuit with one of Trump’s golf courses after being denied a hole-in-one prize.

What a fortunate group of people. His own clients. Businesses – who, by definition, already have ways of making money. Millionaires, like Serena Williams. Fellow Republicans, of course – at least the ones who want him to run for president. And let’s not forget the lucky golfer Trump cheated out of a prize that he never should have won – a hole-in-one? C’mon! Who else could possibly be more deserving of a billionaire’s abundant love for his fellow man? Donald is a fucking sweetheart. Hot tip: don’t even bother asking if he pays his taxes.

…but I found two tax appeals he filed from the year 1984, one with the City of New York and one with the state. And in one of these two cases, Donald filed something called a Schedule C. That’s what a freelancer files. He reported zero income and $626,000 of expenses, with no receipts and no documentation. That’s something that could be construed as tax fraud.

During the hearing, which lasted two days, the CPA and lawyer who had done Trump’s tax returns for years was shown the tax return, and he said, “Well, that’s my signature, but I didn’t prepare that tax return.”

Donald somehow filed a tax return that his lawyer/CPA had absolutely nothing to do with. The guy hasn’t the foggiest notion how his signature ended up on it. I’m only making an educated guess here, but if you had tried to pull that crap on the government you’d probably be in the slammer.

It also shows, in these two cases, that in the year 1984 Donald paid no federal income taxes. And there’s very good reason to think he doesn’t pay them now, because of a provision in federal law that allows large real estate professionals to live without paying income taxes.

If you ever wondered why people make a fuss about politicians releasing their tax returns, now you know. It’s to keep people like Donald Trump out of office.

Another guy gets up and it’s a long fly ball to Stalin. Why? I don’t know.

After so many years maybe Rush Limbaugh has run out of targets to debase and ridicule. Or maybe his audience has abandoned him so thoroughly that he’s become gun-shy, and he’s no longer comfortable being the asshole he once was. This sort of talk is not exactly what we’ve come to expect from him:

We’re all sitting here wondering, “Have we lost the country?” You know, are…? Let me just be blunt.

Rushbo, stunned. Confused. Left to ponder his own thoughts. The Trump candidacy is going into the tank and he has no idea what to do.

We all ask ourselves, “Are those of us who think the way we do in the minority? Are people who don’t think and believe the way we do now in the majority?” We’re asking ourselves this and we’re waiting for elections to kind of tell us.

Who is there to shame or blame? Well there’s Trump, of course, it’s certainly his fault but let’s not be silly…

…and what was Trump’s response? Trump’s response to me was perfectly reasonable.

His post-massacre calls for immigration bans on Muslims and Glocks for everyone belly-to-the-bar were a perfectly reasonable response, sure. I’ll give you that, pal, but you want to take another stab at telling us what’s going on here?

If you dig deep and find out how young people have been educated in this country, essentially the textbook’s written by a guy named Howard Zinn… We’ve gotten to the point that 2-1/2 generations alive today having been raised having been taught what a rotten place this country is, how it was founded in a totally unjust and immoral way, and that it was not about liberty and freedom. It’s not about any of the things that people think this country is about. That’s just a myth that the propagandists pushed.

Okay! It was a BU professor, in the library, with an alternative history. Who knew that the 70% of Americans who currently think Donald is a racist dick-swinging pinhead are also Howard Zinn fans? Those 50 dog-eared copies of People’s History sure do get around.

This is what young people have been taught for two generations in grade school, junior high.

Howard Zinn. Z-I-N-N. Look it up.

Yes, look ‘it’ up. Speaking of alternatives it could also be true that Rush’s schtick of camping out to the right of the GOP’s presidential nominee and engaging in pot-shotting, saber-rattling and dog-whistling to fire up the feral base won’t play in 2016. Donald the amateur may have pushed the routine past the bounds of propriety and ignited a voter backlash. It may be the case that Trump stole Limbaugh’s thunder without knowing his show was pretty much over.

Trump no like judge. He Messican.

Who does this guy he think he is?

The Republican Party’s presumptive presidential nominee gave a fiery speech in San Diego and sought to leverage the power of his pulpit to shame one of this city’s federal judges, Gonzalo Curiel, who is hearing a class-action lawsuit against Trump University…

He then taunted the judge, who has scheduled a trial for late November, after the election. “I’ll be seeing you in November…”

…when I’m the president, okay? Get used to it because it’s going to happen. And all of your illegal friends or whatever running around here, they’re not going to like me at all. They’re going to be very very sad when I win. Believe me.

“I think Judge Curiel should be ashamed of himself. I think it’s a disgrace that he’s doing this.” Trump brought up Curiel’s ethnicity: “The judge, who happens to be, we believe, Mexican…”

[…pause…]

“…I think the Mexicans are going to end up loving Donald Trump.”

[…save.]

Pointing to a supporter’s sign, Trump said, “I really like when they put up ‘Latinos for Trump.’ ‘Latinos for Trump.’ I love it. We’re going to do great with Latinos.”

Latinos are going to vote for me, okay? Like crazy. They’re gonna love me. No one is going to be happier about President Trump than the Latinos.

Trump doubt drought

Breaking: You are smarter than the Republican presidential candidate.

At a Friday campaign rally in Fresno, California, Donald Trump denied that the state was currently in a drought, blaming water shortages on environmentalists. “We’re going to solve your water problem. You have a water problem that is so insane.”

Everyone is stupid. Nature is stupid. So insane. When I’m president it will rain all the time. You won’t believe it, there’s gonna be water everywhere. You’ll get sick of floods.

“It is so ridiculous where they’re taking the water and shoving it out to sea,” he said, adding that “there is no drought.”

When I was coming here today we were driving up to a bridge. We were coming up to a bridge and I said “Tony stop the limo.” Tony stopped the limo, right on top of the bridge. And we all got out. Everybody looked at me. I pointed down, and I said “What’s this?” Tony looked at me, and he said “It’s the Sacramento River.” And I said “What’s all that water? I’m seeing all this water.” That’s what I said. “Isn’t there supposed to be a drought? Where’s all the water going?” I said. “Where’s the drought?” My driver, he just looked at me and he shrugged. He’s a good guy, okay? We all stood there looking down at the water. Where’s it going? There wasn’t a single person who could tell me why there was a drought, okay?

Trump, and Veeps, and Failure

In the midst of the continental swirling holy-fuck of this year’s political goings on there are some particular things that catch my attention. For example I’m currently curious to find out who might become The Donald’s vice president.

There are two reasons to be vested in this. One: Who would be so dumb? Two: Who would be so pathetic? No woman would ever agree to such a partnership, and none of them outside the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling would be considered. It’s only the he-men Republicans of this world who would beg for such a thing. I’m sure that, somewhere in this great nation, there’s a pinch-faced red state splutterer willing to drop his pants and spread his cheeks for a shot at infamy, not to mention Trump’s ham-handed touch.

Marco Rubio maybe?

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said it’s possible he could ask his former rival for the nomination, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.), to be his running mate…

“Marco’s a good guy, a really nice guy, and I like him. But not necessarily with respect to any position, but it could happen,” he added.

Maybe not.

On Friday, Heat Street spoke to multiple senior advisers, members of Rubio’s inner circle who have been in direct contact with him.

“Absolutely false,” said one Rubio adviser. “He absolutely will not be Trump’s Vice President.”

That sentiment was echoed by two other sources close to Rubio, who confirmed to Heat Street that Rubio was not considering joining Trump’s ticket. “That’s never happening,” said one. Another referenced the likelihood of snowballs in hell, and expressed frustration at the inaccurate stories…

This of course will remain Little Marco’s yeeaarrghhh until Candidate Donald calls him on the phone. Then the two will have a good talk and Marco will be surprised how much He has changed.

What about John Kasich?

Asked by Blitzer whether he would be interested in considering Kasich on his ticket, Trump said, “I would be interested in vetting John. I like John. I’ve had a good relationship with John. I’ve gotten along with him well.”

Apparently not.

“There is zero chance that I’d be vice president with [him],” Kasich said in an interview on CNN. “Below zero, actually. Not interested.”

Perhaps Ted Cruz?

Donald Trump on Wednesday said that he would consider making Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) his running mate.

“I respect Ted,” he told host Bill O’Reilly on Fox News’ “The O’Reilly Factor.” “He was a very strong competitor. He really competed hard and tough.”

“He’s certainly a capable guy,” the presumptive GOP presidential nominee added. “It’s something we can think about.”

Yeah, no.

Ted Cruz quashed speculation about the possibility he could be Donald Trump’s vice-presidential pick, saying he has “zero interest whatsoever” in being the billionaire’s running mate if Trump wins the Republican nomination…

“And there are a lot of reasons, but perhaps the simplest is if Donald is the nominee, Hillary wins,” Cruz said, referring to the Democratic frontrunner, Hillary Clinton. “Hillary wins by double digits…”

But of course that was then and this is now. This is THE TIME aus zee biergarten SOMETHING Neville Chamberlain. DING A LING WHY HULLO EVERYBODY IT’S DONALD. GOSH IT’S GOOD TO HEAR YOUR VOICE.

This isn’t to pretend that other Republican politicians aren’t eager to get into the big race. On the contrary, there are a whole host of Edsels and Corvairs fingering their fancy push-buttons and gunning their cross-mounted engines at the prospect.

Newt Gingrich, the former House speaker, as well as Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama and the retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson, said in interviews that they would consider joining the ticket if Mr. Trump offered. Two governors, Chris Christie of New Jersey and Mary Fallin of Oklahoma, have also told allies that they were open to being Mr. Trump’s running mate.

“If a potential president says I need you, it would be very hard for a patriotic citizen to say no,” Mr. Gingrich said. “People can criticize a nominee, but ultimately there are very few examples of people turning down the vice presidency.”

Gail Collins has more. She says a Trump vice presidency is actually more prized than smallpox.

Don’t make jokes about nobody wanting to be the winner! There are plenty of contenders. Mike Huckabee made it clear he wouldn’t say no. And look at Newt Gingrich, hopping up and down and waving his hand. Whoops — Chris Christie just shoved Newt out of the spotlight. Trump said he might like a governor, so that should give Christie a boost. And a recent poll showed that as many as 15 percent of New Jersey Republicans think he’d be a good choice.

*Whistle*…you can’t argue with a crowd. And of course they know. Lending the family name to a high-profile political cataclysm is some kind of bargain. Really, a good deal. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime chance to become enshrined in the Pantheon of great American Losers. And say friends, who wouldn’t want that?

“I think I’m pretty much as vetted as anybody in the country could be vetted,” Palin told CNN’s Jake Tapper. “I think there are so many other great people out there in America that could serve in this position.”

“I think if somebody wanted to choose me, they already know who I am, what I stand for,” she added. “They wouldn’t be in for any surprises.”

I’ll have what he’s having

It’s like watching a train derail.

You’re horrified but you’re also terribly fascinated. You’re just sort of stuck, standing there, watching reality go horribly wrong.

In his first 100 days, Trump said, he would cut taxes, “renegotiate trade deals and renegotiate military deals,” including altering the U.S. role in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.

Oh yeah, the NATO problem (?). Maybe he can get the U.N. to start paying us (…about time). Trump sounds like the silver-spooner who has lived too near the city’s biggest mansion for too long. Now he’s moving in and nothing of the former owner can be allowed to stay. He’s going to bulldoze that rose garden and erect a bowling alley. It’s fresh venison for the dog bowls and sparkling water for the faucets (imagine all that gold, after they rip the brass ones out). There’s a certain amount of spite that comes with jealousy. No self-respecting narcissist wants to hang around some has-been U.S. President.

He insisted that he would be able to get rid of the nation’s more than $19 trillion national debt “over a period of eight years.”

The government takes in $3.3 trillion in revenue every year. But Donald will (shazam!) cut income taxes and run a $2.37 trillion yearly surplus through 2024. Farewell U.S. Marines, adiós ICE. Maybe Melania can throw surplus cheese wheels at ISIS when they invade.

To say this is ‘stupid’ doesn’t come close. We’re not even in the realm. This is more like a fever dream. A microbus trip to the desert on mushrooms. Might I add that this is the law n’ order candidate? If half of us are having petit mal seizures whenever this Trump person opens his gob, we have failed as a nation. I have no idea what Hunter Thompson would have said about all this other than to want a double dose of whatever it is the Republicans are huffing.