Wingnuts: With investigation’s first charges, the investigation must be destroyed (part one)

Former FBI Director Robert Mueller’s 2017 special counsel investigation into Russian election tampering laid grounds for its first legal cases yesterday when a grand jury filed criminal charges in Washington D.C..

The charges are still sealed under orders from a federal judge. Plans were prepared Friday for anyone charged to be taken into custody as soon as Monday, the sources said. It is unclear what the charges are.

A spokesman for the special counsel’s office declined to comment. The White House also had no comment, a senior administration official said Saturday morning.

Monday will be an interesting day. If you unfortunately happen to be living in the same neighborhood as Paul Manafort, or Michael Flynn, you might want to take it off. The numbers of news vans and TV cameras soon to be clogging the streets will make it virtually impossible to move.

In anticipation of the media frenzy, as well as of our soon poring over the investigation’s findings (which I think we’ll all be genuinely interested in, because fucking Russia, and WHAT THE HELL?), the wingnuts have fallen back to a typical position, which can be summed up roughly: EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE IS WRONG.

In a court of law when it is discovered that evidence has been contaminated or a witness is lying, that evidence is thrown out and a jury is instructed to ignore the witness testimony.

GOP communications strategist and not-lawyer Jennifer Kerns reads us the Roolz of Evidence.

As new bombshell revelations prove the infamous “Trump dossier” was bought-and-paid-for by Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign and the Democratic National Committee, the document that launched the Russian collusion investigation against President Trump must accordingly be thrown out.

Jen’s unimpeachable legal grounds for dismissing the document: “Liberals paid for it.” Whatever part of the allegations the Washington Free Beacon paid for (the oppo effort’s originators) would be Truth Itself, we can assume. If that doesn’t convince you, there are the at-large wingnut arguments against the dossier: “It could all be true.” And “Only we are allowed to pull this shit.”

Digging up dirt on history’s dirtiest president has clearly gotten under their skin. The dossier’s begun to loom so large in their poor febrile psyches that they don’t realize it has nothing to do with Mueller’s investigation. They just assume what any ratfucker would: Pee pee tape! You’re going down! They’re fighting back against that, because disgust is infused with special powers in Republicanland. Jen here is tossing rocks at the incoming meteor assuming it’s one of those ‘golden showers’:

In light of the newest charge that the DNC and the Clinton campaign may have broken a dozen federal election laws with the document, special counsel Robert Mueller has no choice but to dismiss the Trump investigation.

To wit: There is no Trump investigation. It’s a Russia investigation. If that doesn’t indicate their own assumption of guilt, what does? Anyway, to be sure, I wiki’d the whole thing and there’s no mention of the infamous dossier. There is however, specific mentions of “Russian election interference, links between Trump associates and Russian officials, alleged collusion between Trump campaign and Russian agents, obstruction of justice, financial investigations, Flynn activities”, and “investigation of Podesta Group lobbying.”

We’ll know more about all this come Monday. I however doubt we’ll see Donald Trump being arrested for whatever part he played in soiling his own bedsheets in a Moscow hotel. We’re more likely to see one, or both, of Manafort and Flynn being taken in for acting as undeclared agents of foreign powers. As they should be.

The wingnuts though will continue to howl about a dirty document concocted entirely by Hillary Clinton which is threatening to destroy a good man. Even though everything on it happened long before he was even a candidate. Even though it only speaks to him as a damaged person, and not to our damaged election.

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