On national haxx day, Olivia Nuzzi

Oh how very Pulitzer.

Steve Bannon is a devout Catholic who believes in the resurrection of Jesus Christ. But it’s the story of Christ’s descent into hell that occupies his mind most this Easter weekend…

If they can give a tipsy Sunday schoolmarm awards for penning odes to Reagan’s feet, then what’s to stop Olivia Nuzzi? I see no reason not to hack up a column by pretending to know what a hermetic paranoid racist is really thinking. No harm done seeing as how Olivia, unlike the rest of us, is a spoon-bending psychic.

It’s what the kewl kidz do. They go and crawl inside the heads of the movers and shakers – in their own heads, of course – and then deign to tell you What’s Going On. Nothing beats total access, right folks? Mental masturbation is the hack’s way of giving the reader a tingle. Steve Bannon may be a devout Catholic, but he’d rather be drinking Manishewitz right now. Whoa! A drunk?! Steve Bannon believes in Jesus Christ, it’s just the rest of us he’s not so sure about. What, me?! The nerve! Mental wanking is also a good way to get yourself a paycheck slopping swill for the likes of Politico…New York Magazine? Oh fuck me.

But fittingly given the holiday, in this week’s carnage was a miracle of sorts for Bannon. The president, according to multiple sources, has been distracted at least a bit by the military strikes in Syria and Afghanistan…

No, Olivia hasn’t talked with Steve Bannon. No, she hasn’t messaged, or emailed, or texted him. No, she has no idea what he’s thinking. She doesn’t even bother to quote him.

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