Chock full of bugs and sticks, hallelujah!

For a glorious Trump Christmas this year, you get a cinnamon-crusted wingnut post. You get a screed that somehow mistakes God Snapping His Fingers for billions of years of back-breaking bacterial work and hard labor. Because if I know anything at all about the Bible, it’s that God so loved the world He something something sulfide management spheroid habitable. Donald Trump notwithstanding.

“Our planet has soil like no other planet,” astronomer Hugh Ross, president and founder of Reasons to Believe, told PJ Media. He argued that the soil developed over 3 billion years, and conditions were just perfect to produce the dirt needed for advanced plants to flourish and for those plants to sustain billions of human beings. These developments point to the providence of an intelligent designer.

The Designer was apparently too obtuse to fashion a decent planet from the jump. Instead the Holy Donk brought forth a sizzling sulphurous lump that no sane organism could be fond of. After a billion years of seeing his real estate values in the tank, he finally did something about it. He unloosed a plague of Staphylococcus belchii. Then Earth got marginally more interesting, 3 billion years later when we sapiens came mewling out of the swamps. We have richly rewarded his extraordinary beneficence with baroque classical music, digital weasel porn and rubber bands. No problem, man.

“There are 22 elements in the periodic table that are vital poisons,” Ross explained. “If you’ve got too much Chromium in your diet, it will kill you. But if you don’t have enough Chromium in your diet, that will kill you, too. It’s this sulfate-reducing bacteria that brings the poisons to the just-right levels.”

It’s as if the Scythe Swinger were a passive sort. Entirely unsure about what the hell he was doing. Creating an entire cosmos then shrugging his shoulders and sitting back, chewing his fingernails. “Oh dear, what did I do? What now?” We skinbags are only living on one of his planets among billions, why would he even bother? Why would any god? Pfft.

Anyway this chucklehead argument amounts to “He finished our world with a dose of brappococcus. It’s just so Zeus, right? I mean, that’s totally him.”

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