President Donald Trump: The First Hundred Days

I wake up groggy on the couch. I get up, get myself a glass of water and sit down in front of the computer. Classic Arts Showcase drones on softly in the background. PBS’ election coverage is over.

The fog begins to clear. As I hear the third in a series of arias playing, I realize that the fat lady is literally singing. A quick click and a last check of the electoral map – the Republican has 276 votes. The election is really over. Donald Trump is president, and Hillary Clinton’s political career is done.

Well, what now? What happens in the first few months of the Trump administration? I suppose we can play the Hundred Days game – why not? Everyone else will. I seem to remember Donald being very adamant and specific about what he would do. I certainly take him at his word.

Not long after his inauguration he’s going to make good on his promise to prosecute Hillary Clinton. He’ll probably begin that in the first week of his presidency, somewhere around the 25th of January. Attorney General Rudy Giuliani will coordinate with FBI Director James Comey to begin a comprehensive and honest investigation of the former Secretary of State, with Benghazi, the private server e-mails, the Clinton Foundation, and her treatment of Bill’s sexual assault victims being the earliest targets for evidence-gathering and producing indictments.

Sometime in mid-February, you can expect Giuliani to show up with a throng of TV cameras – as he always did back in New York – and frog march Clinton right out of her office and into a patrol car on a chilly Chappaqua morning.

The second thing he’s likely to make happen, because it’s fairly easy to do, is enact his Muslim immigration ban. It only takes a review of a handful of government regulations and procedures relevant to two bureaus, I think, to prevent all Muslims from the entering the country from now on. There will be some legal wrangling about it over the months going forward and some cuckster punkass reversals up and down the legal chain. But with the timely death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg and the additions of Ted Cruz and Judge Anthony Napolitano to the Supreme Court, the ban will eventually pass muster and become bedrock law sometime before the midterm elections in 2018.

The third, and hardest thing, he’ll undertake in his first 100 days will be deporting 12 million illegal aliens from the country. This, by any perspective, is a massive project that will rival any of our recent war efforts.

The FBI, and ICE, and the Border Patrol, coordinating with local, state and federal courts, and all relevant law enforcement authorities, and with the begrudging aid of dozens, or hundreds, of foreign countries, and with the cooperation of whatever other institutions, or people, or nouns you can think of, will begin a massive project to identify, localize, capture, re-locate, hold and begin court proceedings against millions upon millions of people currently living across 4 million square miles of the world’s third largest country.

Of course many of these people will manage to see this coming and begin hiding in various places that federal marshals, or state troopers, or local Cub Scouts, wouldn’t normally expect them to be: Under your car. In your garage. Up your favorite tree in the backyard.

For that reason you might find it wise to perhaps buy yourself a gun. There will certainly be some shooting at some point, and I can’t really say it’s a bad idea to keep one handy. When it happens that law enforcement authorities began swarming over your neighborhood in pursuit of fleeing migrants, protect yourself by pulling it out of the drawer, carefully loading it, and then wisely handing it over to one side or the other. Do this depending on who you think is probably the better shot. You definitely don’t want a protracted gun battle on your property. If both sides appear to be handy with firearms, break out whatever stockpile of Kevlar helmets and tactical body armor you keep in the closet. If the kids are simply too small for Iraq War cast-offs, try sitting them in a wooden box. A wooden box is very easy to make, remarkably sturdy, and can be re-purposed if your efforts at protecting their young lives fail.

After that, of course, Donald Trump will begin building a huge wall. A thousand miles long, and forty feet high…

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