Trump, Commander and CEO: Monetize foreign policy

You think a businessman should run the country? Well then you oughta go and vote for Donald Trump. He’s gonna wheel and deal his way across the world, you’re gonna love it. It’s about time somebody let the Cubas and Khans know who’s in charge. Driving a hard bargain with the neighbors is only fair game – and good practice – when you’re the pre-eminent capitalist country on Earth.

And if the American military isn’t the world’s greatest untapped asset, I’ll be dipped. C’mon people now listen up: Adopt, adapt and improve. Monetize. From now on if one of our soldiers has to shoot someone, the spent shells come with an invoice.

What’s that, Singapore? You say you got problems? Sure everybody’s got problems, the whole globe, get in line. You want us to take down a fascist, Swaziland? Well now that’ll cost you a million bucks. You want us to invade Iraq, Iraq? Whaddya mean, no? Whatever I don’t care, you owe us a billion gallons of oil. You want us to honor some old World War II defense treaty, sure. I bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you? But listen Bub these things cost a lot of money. The coastland of your country goes all the way around, did you know that? Sheesh, some people. I don’t want to start any rumors, but it’d be a shame if your island caught fire in the middle of the night.

Donald Trump is the first man to finally appreciate the full potential of this great country. And it’s about time. From President Obama all the way back to George Washington, not one of our CEOs has ever maximized the leverage of our business assets (kaboom). It’s just Econ 101: If you can’t bargain with the world, you’ll never get paid.

“So you would keep troops in Iraq after this year?” asked Wall Street Journal reporter Kelly Evans.

“I would take the oil,” Trump responded.

Trump has repeatedly endorsed the bizarre, bellicose fantasy that the U.S. could and should seize oil fields in Iraq and Libya. A confused Evans responded, “I don’t understand how you would take — does that mean keeping troops there, or staying involved in Iraq?” “You heard me, I would take the oil,” Trump insisted…

What’s fair is fair. After we invade you, we get to keep your stuff. We went into Vietnam and took the Imperial Palace at Huế, turned it into a roadside stand in Minnesota. We took the entire Korean peninsula and turned it into a Georgia alligator farm. That’s what we do, we’re like that.

“In the old days, you know when you had a war, to the victor belong the spoils,” he told George Stephanopoulos in 2011. “You go in. You win the war and you take it… You’re not stealing anything.”

You’re not stealing. You’re just taking other people’s things. If they’re too weak or dead to do anything about it, that’s their tough.

Word up, Estonia.

Donald Trump told the New York Times that if Russia invaded Baltic members of NATO, he would have to review whether those countries “have fulfilled their obligations to us” before deciding whether to come to their defense, as mandated by the military alliance’s formal charter.

“You can’t forget the bills,” Trump said. “They have an obligation to make payments. Many NATO nations are not making payments, are not making what they’re supposed to make. That’s a big thing. You can’t say forget that.”

Talk to his hand.

Toomas is their president. Yeah I know, nobody knows. Today:

At a campaign event in Iowa, Mr Trump also repeated his criticism of countries that do not pull their weight in terms of financial contributions to Nato.

“You know we have a treaty with Japan, where if Japan is attacked, we have to use the full force and might of the United States,” he said.

“If we’re attacked, Japan doesn’t have to do anything. They can sit home and watch Sony television, OK?”

They can sit in their Gucci rice paddies wearing coke bottle glasses and gnashing their buck teeth, saying “Me so horny.” And they won’t even have to pay us a dime. That’s so like them, isn’t it?

Mr Trump added that the US protects Japan, South Korea, Germany, Saudi Arabia and other nations, and “they don’t pay anything near what it costs”.

“They have to pay. Because this isn’t 40 years ago,” he added.

“It’s got to be a two-way street.”

Of course Wall Street.

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